First Time Alone

Sometimes, you feel like you are alone, that no one is there to help you from falling down, down into everlasting darkness. You can't get out and you can't go down anymore. You are stuck, stuck in eternal darkness. And the worst part is, is that you are alone. Forever.

I don't really know what blogs are supposed to be about, but this one is going to function as a friend, someone who will just listen and not judge, and offer support if it is needed.

One day, I hope to be a successful woman who has gotten as far in her career as she can. I hope I will be able to go to college and find my dream job, get married to the perfect man, and have three perfect children. But that won't happen, because that would happen in a perfect world, and this world is far from perfect. Instead, I will probably be a high school drop out, with five kids from five different fathers, working at Burger King by day, and being a hooker by night. I hope that won't happen. I really do.

I don't know where I want to go to college and I have no clue what I want to major in, what I want to spend the rest of my life doing. I want money, but I want it to be fun. I want to go to Boston or New York City, but I want to stay in beautiful Vermont. I really can't decide. That's my problem. I am the most indecisive person I know.

I want another job, other than my job at Staples, which is extremely boring, but I don't know if I have the time. I want to get a job at this new locally-owned creemee stand, but my best friend just got a job there and I don't want to steal her thunder or anything. When I do get my money, I can't decide if I want to spend it on a car or a new cell phone, or a shopping spree right before 11th grade, or if I should save up some for college.

My friends. Who are my friends? I'm not even sure anymore. I feel like I'm drifting away from all my good friends, and that I just bug the crap out of my newer friends. I love my best friend in a friend way (not a lesbian way) but what is happening to us? I went a whole three days without talking to her. I know that doesn't seem like a lot, but we used to always talk at school, and if we didn't get the chance, than we'd have four hour Facebook chats.

Right now, I'm freaking out. Like seriously freaking. I scare even myself sometimes.